The wheels have come off, again...

"BJ" (benjamin-bignell) 04/10/2018 at 09:20 • Filed to: None

3

22

Personal content inside, buffer image for your safety.

He’s totally gonna stick that landing, btw...

Those of you who read my !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! will perhaps not be surprised to hear that it hit me again. It didn’t feel any more scary or terrible this time, but the aftermath is much worse.

I got a call on Saturday evening from my boss asking me to travel to London this week, a bit of a rush trip. I got pulled back into the stressful project that we just wrapped up because some of the users are having a lot of difficulty. I agreed to leave, and was pretty excited about it. London! I love that city!

Getting ready was the usual pre-race jitters: is everything in my bag, do I have the address for the customer offices and the hotel, etc etc etc. I got to the airport with time to spare, security was light, and I had time to take a walk, read, catch up on some emails, blah blah blah.

I felt fine. I felt ready. I had asked myself if I was going to be ok, because naturally I thought about this, and I had none of the usual signs of anxiety. I was so excited to be feeling well and to be heading to the UK.

And then when people started lining up at the gate - a good 15 minutes early, as people with assigned seats tend to do... - I started to feel off . I took a walk, visited the restroom, did some breathing and visualization exercises. No dice. Stomach is churning. Take it easy... Go to the gate, almost everyone has boarded now and the waiting lounge is a ghost town. Look at the plane, look at the gate, start shaking and sweating... Nope.

A Boeing 787 - the plane I should have taken. Instead, I flew home in a Prius V...

I talked to the desk agents and there was an employee there who took the time to speak to me calmly and reassure me, but in the end I couldn’t do it. I had my bags offloaded and went home. I feel absolutely “normal”, and felt pretty good as soon as I was away from the gate, but I’m also feeling pretty bummed out. I’m disappointed in myself, and I feel like I’ve let a lot of people down. Shit happens, I’m allowed to feel bad nonetheless.

So I’m off to the clinic to see a doctor and talk about next steps. What I know for sure is that I won’t accept going through this again. I will do what I need to do to get over it or around it, but I can’t accept being afraid to do simple things like sitting in a concert hall or taking an airplane. I’ve done these things many times in my life, and I’ll continue to do them. I’m determined to take the effort to get better.

Thanks for listening.

CalzoneGolem > BJ 04/10/2018 at 09:44

0

How’s your boss handling it?

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > BJ 04/10/2018 at 09:55

0

Damn, sorry to hear it. Hope you and your doc find a solution soon.

Ash78, voting early and often > BJ 04/10/2018 at 10:07

2

Man, I’m so sorry. I have much more mild anxiety, usually about disappointing people or not wanting to let them down and it can consume me to the point of some very negative thoughts.

But I am genuinely curious about the airplane part. Does your anxiety in this situation come from the act of flying, being cramped inside with other people, claustrophobia, or anything specific?

I know a lot of people are just scared of flying in general (because let’s face it, commercial air travel is about the most insane concept in the world if you were to try to explain it to someone from the 1800s. Everythjng else would make some sense. “Ok, so you can receive instant telegraphs on a device in your pocket? Hey, look, a picture of poop! And 300 people get inside a big metal tube and travel 500 miles per hour? GTFO, witch!!”

BJ > CalzoneGolem 04/10/2018 at 10:30

2

Super cool for now. The flight and hotel were canceled for very little cost, so no big deal there. We’ll see what the doctor says about my work situation, though...

CalzoneGolem > BJ 04/10/2018 at 10:32

0

Awesome that’s good to hear. Take care of yourself brother.

BJ > Ash78, voting early and often 04/10/2018 at 10:37

2

Never had problems flying before, even if it always made me nervous.

My anxiety appears to be related to a feeling of being “stuck”. Being in concert hall where I’m in the middle of a row, getting stuck in traffic, etc. I got blocked at the gate, unable to imagine being inside a metal tube for 7 hours.

It’s mostly recent, I’ve been too willing to take on too much at work, and with a busy home I guess I’ve had too much?

wafflesnfalafel > BJ 04/10/2018 at 10:45

1

Panic attack - sometimes our brains just freak out... frustrating has heck. (I struggle bouncing up against my own limitations on that subject...)

Tripper > BJ 04/10/2018 at 10:49

0

That is rough man, flying sucks. I’ve flown all over the place and never had an issue, until my honeymoon. The flight out was bad as it was a 6am flight, we hadn’t slept and were both super hung over. Back to back 6 hour flights where we had to actually run to our connecting flight.

I’m an anxious person but it has never caused me a problem outside of my own head. When it came time to come home two weeks later. I said to my wife “Hey, I hate to do this to you, but I’m not flying today.” she sort of laughed, then I said, “No really, I’m not getting on a fucking plane today...”

We discussed our options, staying longer, taking a boat lol...After a few hours we went to the ER and I told them that they were going to have another homeless person in Kauai unless they gave me something that would get me on that plane. Two Valium, and a couple beers later I slept on an airplane for the first time ever. From then on I just ask my doc for some sort of benzo before any flight that is longer than an hour or so.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > BJ 04/10/2018 at 11:23

0

Oh man that stinks. I actually really like flying, but the whole sit and wait thing is annoying. I went thought something similar about 6 years ago when I was doing a major career and job change. I had 2 full on anxiety attacks and was crippled for days each time. I eventually worked through it. Thankfully I don’t have to travel too far to foreign countries for my job. Just to Denver or San Jose or Portland usually.

BJ > Tripper 04/10/2018 at 12:52

1

That about sums it up. Run run run and then it catches up to you. You did the right thing by not forcing yourself onto the plane, and I feel that I made the right choice as well.

BJ > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 04/10/2018 at 12:57

0

Work has been really rough for almost a year now. It has taken its toll. The last time I flew was June, and I was fine.

I don’t feel “off” at all right now, in the sense that I feel super normal and have no more anxiety. But I’m exhausted and I feel like a let-down. I’m going to need to rest.

At the same time, I’ll be super honest: heading to the office in a few minutes to meet with my boss and catch up with the team doesn’t sound like much fun. I would rather roll into a ball and hide in a cave... there will be lots of eyes on me. But my colleagues are really professional so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

BJ > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 04/10/2018 at 12:58

0

Thanks

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > BJ 04/10/2018 at 13:36

0

I hope it all works out. Seeking professional help is a must. It may be more than just anxiety, maybe some undiagnosed depression too. These things tend to be self defeating and impossible to self diagnose.

BJ > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 04/10/2018 at 14:10

2

Yep, that’s all in progress already. No fucking about this time!

BJ > CalzoneGolem 04/10/2018 at 14:11

1

Thanks. I just met my manager and my director and they’re 100% on board with whatever I need to get better.

vicali > BJ 04/10/2018 at 14:29

0

It sounds like you are doing things right, I’m glad you didn’t go.

There are a lot of us going through similar things. Hang on, do what you need to do to get around/over, and get on with your life.

CalzoneGolem > BJ 04/10/2018 at 14:36

0

That’s got to be a relief.

BJ > vicali 04/10/2018 at 15:41

0

Thanks. I’m sure I made the right choice. I’m taking serious steps to get better.

Jayvincent > BJ 04/10/2018 at 20:45

0

I’ve had it happen to me between boarding and closing the door... or after landing when you are sitting at the gate waiting for the 100 rows ahead of you to deplane... panic attacks are by definition irrational and beyond your direct control. It’s a feedbakc loop, so be anxious about the possibility of having a panic attack makes you more panic-y and so it goes, round and round. Looking back, it’s been a part of my life since forever, but I have learned a little bit about managing it, so I’ll share my experience in case it offers you or some other Oppo a solution.

I hear there are some meds, but there are side effects. Instead, I use routine and distraction to divert my attention away from the triggers that make me feel trapped. So I start with a book: something to read I’m really interested in. It can be something I’ve read before, it can be a $2 special of the day on Kindle, just something to hold my attention. I read in the boarding area, I read once I’m seated, I keep reading until we are wheels up... and then I look out the window to enjoy the tiny scenery below. After that I either take a nap or read some more. Reverse the process once the plane start descending and keep it up until it’s time to get off. I also suck on some hard candies, because the first sign of a panic attack for me is a dry mouth. Full disclosure, I airline travel 8-12 times a year for work and since I started a calming routine, it’s never gotten the best of me. I never quite got to the point you did and backed out of a flight, but I got close...

I hear other people have had good success with music. Or the prescription drugs, which definitely work for some people. Or getting ripped before hand (not a good idea, but one that was very popular in the 60's and 70's evidently). Good luck and safe travels, here’s a pic to distract you from the things that make you anxious, if only for a minute

BJ > Jayvincent 04/11/2018 at 07:18

1

Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s still relatively new for me so I’ll have to try a few things out.

I feel a lot better this morning and I’m looking forward to taking a few mornings for rest, but I also need my routine to keep me busy.

pip bip - choose Corrour > BJ 04/11/2018 at 09:35

0

try a rubber band on your wrist, every time you feel anxious pull it up and let it go and hit you on the wrist

BJ > pip bip - choose Corrour 04/11/2018 at 13:24

0

Interesting. If it doesn’t work, I poke myself in the eye?

Ha ha ha!

Thanks for the idea, I’ll give it a try.